FedEx gets the FedAx

It's over. The ordeal is over. I just wanted a stupid monitor.

On December 14, 2005 (that's last year), I ordered an old-school computer monitor for $75. I was told that it would be arriving the next day, December 15th. That's because it was being shipped a total of only 200 miles. I was given a tracking number to follow my FedEx Ground shipment.

I was surprised to see that FedEx did not put the shipment into their database for a full day, but I figured, "What's the harm in a day? We're talking 200 miles--just send it in on December 16th." Three week later, I was still waiting.

Now I appreciate technology as a vehicle of communication as much as the next guy: I mean, knowing when your package is due to arrive can be very useful information. The online tracking feature has its perks. I found tracking my package day after day to be more of a curse than a blessing. Had the information been accurate, who knows....

I'll try to make this short. The status of my package shifted when it wasn't supposed to, making FedEx look responsible. The status also didn't shift when it WAS supposed to, not showing other errors. In other words? Mistakes were erased or altered to make FedEx look like it was doing its job, and posted online. Very impressive, but did they think I wouldn't notice?! There was no mention of their picking the package up late, leaving the package in Columbus for 2 days, leaving the package in Toledo for 2 days before attempting a delivery. I wouldn't have minded, except when I called they promised delivery within 36 hours.

I asked that they leave the package at my door, a reasonable request for three reasons: 1) Since the package was under $100, this is FedEx policy; 2) the shipper said a signature was not necessary; and 3) I SAID A SIGNATURE WASN'T NECESSARY.

And somehow, despite being told to leave package by door without signature, the driver did not do so.

I tried to roll with it. I called FedEx again--they were very friendly on the phone--and they said they would make sure that the package was delivered on December 29. I called again on the 28th, and they said (in a very friendly manner) that my package would NOT be arriving on the 29th (what a surprise) it didn't make it onto the truck, and would need to be picked up tomorrow. There was no trace of this mistake attached to my shipping number on their website.

They told me my local office (30 miles away) would call take care of everything. We apologize for the delay, it's the holidays, blah blah blah. I probably won't have anything for a week, wish there was something I could do, blah blah blah.

Local office calls and tries to give me instructions on how to PICK UP THE BOX FROM THEIR HQ. I'm starting to wonder, and politely ask, "WHICH PART OF DELIVER THE FREAKING BOX AT MY DOORSTEP DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?! I SAID IT LAST YEAR TOO!"

We apologize for the delay, it's the holidays, blah blah blah. We'll get it to you as soon as possible, blah blah blah.

My package arrived 22 days after it was shipped. I justed wanted a stupid monitor.

I think to myself, FedEx gets the FedAx. I'm through with them! What happened to that movie with Tom Hanks, and that volleyball "Wilson?" You know--the one where he's a FedEx guy and ships packages with timers inside? Time is money?! Where were they when I needed them? I was shocked, outraged, disappointed--false advertising, dammit!

* * *

Post-tirade, I wanted to ship my old computer monitor out to a friend. And I went right to the USPS website--they were charging $50 for the same package. I had to check out the alternatives...and wouldn't you know it, FedEx was $15. I couldn't pay over 300% the price to their competitor, but the transaction reeked of hypocrisy. This wasn't a "I'll pay the extra $.30 and not support Walmart" kind of decision. I genuinely could not force myself to pay almost as much to ship an old monitor as buy a new one. What was I to do?

It's over. The ordeal is over. I just wanted a stupid monitor.