Bah Humbug!

Last time I checked, Christmas wishes seemed to emphasize "Peace on Earth," and the like, and the spirit of giving. This was meant to engender positive behaviors and relationships among and across families. But I look around, and that's not what I see. SO WHY ARE SO MANY FRICKIN' PEOPLE SO STRESSED OUT?! It began with Black Friday, when there were reports of cutting in line and tackling customers in an attempt to meet sale deadlines. Ya--season's greetings my ass!

There's Christmas lists and Christmas shopping and last-minute shopping, proceeded by the inevitable gift return lines due to the receivers being unhappy with their gifts. Last time I checked, this does not engender any positive behaviors.

Kids become needy--it's "What am I getting for Christmas?" instead. X-mas has become a chore. Too many people, too many demands, too many gifts. And it's so nice for the television networks will put on ads for all the so-called Christmas specials, and then spend the week after New Year's putting on "How to Get Over Your Holiday Spending Woes" specials--like it's effective post hoc. You know how to get over your holiday spending woes? Don't spend as much fricking money! I hope your kids don't love you less because they only got two games along with their X-Box 360.

The gluttony of shopping has now permeated to Jewish culture as well. There's not supposed to be 8 days of presents, even if Kyle Broflovsky thinks so. Chanukkah is supposed to be about celebrating that the Jews were not wiped out, and the miracle of light. We celebrate by giving Chanukkah gelt--POCKET CHANGE--and eating oily foods. That's IT. Being alive. A surviving[tribe. The resantification of the Holy Temple. Not presents. [About the oily foods, see rant below, and at least there's some religious significance to it. About the gifts, see rant above.] Don't fall prey to the holiday cycle--I IMPLORE YOU! So to all of you Jews out there, I quote Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And mistletoe--what the hell's up with that? Are we really so hard-up that we can't get someone to make out with us unless there's a mandate saying we must do so? Don't get me wrong--I think the Golden rule and good will towards man should be arduously promoted. But kissing? WTF?! You know what you end up with? a) smarmy guys trying to abuse the holiday spirit; b) avoiding/running quickly under the mistletoe to avoid others; c) crying underneath the mistletoe, d) "Please come under the mistletoe with me!"/glances askance from those avoiding the unpleasant experience not kisssing people they're not interested in kissing.

You know what else I don't like about the holidays?! GETTING FAT! Now I know that many of you will argue that no one makes us eat, free will, blah blah blah, and that's all fine and good. But facts are facts. The average American gains 1.05 pounds a year, with almost all of it gained between Thanksgiving and New Year's. While a pound doesn't seem like much, this weight never comes off, and helps lead to obesity. And since half the country is currently overweight/obese, and those overweight/obese were more likely to gain a larger amount of weight, our holiday sweet tooth inevitably leads to the United States of Obesity. Maybe the networks could aid us with some "How to Lose Those Holiday Pounds" after New Year's....

Which leads to my next bogus point: New Year's resolutions. What are they good for? ABSOLUTELY.....NOTHING! Let's practice another meaningless ritual that we never intend to fulfill. We'll go to the gym/stop swearing/stop smoking/drink less/eat less/stop hooking up with that no-good girl/guy. For like 3 weeks. "Oh, well--no one keeps their New Year's resolutions anyways, right? Tee hee hee!" At least for Lent people can hold off for 40 days, but then folks can go back to normal--it's a gesture, not a life change. Valentine's Day, along with the accompanying wave of emotions comes just in time for us to stop going to the gym/start swearing/start smoking/drink more/eat more/start hooking up with that girl/guy again. But forget Valentine's Day--I'll stop here.

I'm just saying--be nice to others. Year-round. Give to charity. Year-round. Eat healthy and behave decently. Year-round. Let the "Holiday Spirit" encompass your being--it's not a monthly thing. And forget this commercial Christmas thing--it just serves to make everyone broke, angry, agitated and tubby.

So happy holidays to all, and to all a good night.