Onion article

I Got What America Needs Right Here

Sometimes I'm a little stupid, maybe, a little slow in the head, so I'm wondering if you can help me get something straight....

Some funny stuff I just found....

Meredith Grey gets Punk'd
http://youtube.com/watch?v=LdpMvnZQogc&search=grey%27s%20anatomy
(Aw--but she's so cute?!)

And then there's this quality video. Go Super Mario!
http://www.collegehumor.com/movies/1685760/

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Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila.
Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.
Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, (well shyness anyway) and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.

Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Tequila. Leave Shyness Behind.

Top Country Western Songs

Top Country Western Songs

17. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long

15. If I Can't Be Number 1 In Your Life, Then Number 2 On You

14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd
Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of
Prison By Now

6. My wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Tooth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

And the Number One song is:

1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But
I've Sure Woke Up With A Few

Interesting Facts

1. In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb."
2. Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
3. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
4. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
5. Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
6. Coca-Cola was originally green.
7. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
8. The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
9. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) the percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
10. The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
11. The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000.
12. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
13. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
14. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments .
15. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

• Spades - King David
• Hearts - Charlemagne
• Clubs -Alexander, the Great
• Diamonds - Julius Caesar

16. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
17. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

18. Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace.

19. Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession.

20. Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand.

21. Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.

22. Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey.

23. Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day.

24. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

25. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

26. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."

27. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

28. At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

Colbert....

"A drink....can I buy you one? Your answer may surprise you. Plus, anyone can say you have a beautiful body, but I'll go deep undercover to find out if you'll hold it against me. Then, a Colbert Report exclusive, "Your father, a Thief?" Or did someone else steal stars from the skies and put them in your eyes? Finally, my place. A growing number of Americans are going there. Should you be one of them? Come here? Often?"

More tongue in cheek

From the Daily Show's mockumentary of 'Laguna Beach....'

"Reality is just life....without school, fat people, poverty, rain.....or herpes."

Jokes

From A Prarie Home Companion's Eighth Annual Joke Show:

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
[Three, but they're really one.]

How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
[CHANGE? HA HA HA!]

A Unitarian is just a Quaker with Attention Deficit Disorder.

Why is a Unitarian Universalist Church like Raisin Bran?
[Well you take away all the fruits and all the nuts, all you have is flakes.]

What do the Reverence Billy Graham and the Minnesota Vikings have in common?
[They both can get 65,000 people on their knees screaming, "Jesus Christ!"]

What's the biggest advantage of being a test-tube baby?
[A womb with a view.]

Why do single women weigh less than married women?
[Single women get home from work, check what's in the fridge, and go to bed. Married women get home from work, check what's in bed, and go to the fridge.]

Crazy comedians....

Just watching some Tivo'd The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, and I gotta tell you--those guys are witty!

"...a rift in the Episcopal church. Controversial decisions like appointing a woman to as their top bishop, and treating gays like, they were human, has prompted 8 Virginia parishes to split from the U.S. Episcopal Church."

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"Do you love Jesus but aren't sure he's catchy enough? Then you may want to attend the latest craze in worship....

*Cut to churchgoers singing and dancing to In the Name of Love*

Finally, a church service combining the spirituality of the Bible with the preachiness of Bono....they call it the U-2-charist. You laugh, but it's still cooler than Hansen's "Mmmm....Bop-tism."

Wheelchair

I took the bus into work yesterday. It was particularly cold this morning, the sun mitigating the bite of the Minnesota wind. People seem in their own world on my morning bus, but no one is blatantly offensive. Sometimes you see smiles and hear "Good morning" being muttered. Sometimes it's a glance and a nod of acknowledgment cutting through the iPod shuffle.

It's not like my busmates and I are BFF, but it's nice to have a positive and set routine, and friendly folks help with the stability.

We're about 5 blocks from that stop where just about everyone gets off. There's woman in a wheelchair outside the bus. The bus driver opens the door and begins lowering the wheelchair ramp.

I don't think I've seen as shocking a reaction "the wheelchair." People gristled, grumbled, let out these hisses, sighs of annoyance, grunts. And shaking their heads they sprinted to the back door, unwilling to wait the 60 seconds for someone to get on the bus. You'd have thought a mobster with a machine gun boarded the bus.

The woman in the wheelchair seemed in her own world on my morning bus, not blatantly offensive. Just like everyone else. I arrived to work at 8:17, just 2 minutes late than usual, but with a bit less respect for my busmates.

Pack Rat

I'm getting my act together. After taking some time off between grad school and that transition o the professional world.

Packrat:

I'm unpacking, trying to make my place presentable. My goal is simple--I just want to be able to say, "Hey--let's meet up at my place!" without shame. There's only one problem with my ultimate goal of cleanliness...I have way too much crap. I'm just realizing this now, sitting in an apartment larger than I've ever had. I've been fully functioning for about a week. But alas, I have 30 unpacked boxes left over.

What's in there? A bunch of crap. Trophies from my childhood. Trumpet etudes from middle school. Crap from college. Articles upon articles from grad school, most of which will never be read again. Bills. Tax forms from the 1990s. Bills from Bowling Green. CD cases, alumni magazines, my editorial writings from Penn State. A coin collection. Stamp collection. Random trinkets that need to be thrown out.

I'm not certain, but I need to throw a bunch of it out!

My mom delights in throwing stuff out. I on the other hand often think, "I'm sure I can use this in the future." I rarely do. I'm just now realizing this. I AM A PACK RAT!